Today’s topic in Career Forum is cutting edge jobs for the future. Now I’m sure that we all are thinking, "Why can’t I be the next Bill Gates?" Maybe you were thinking, "Why is it that Donald Trump has all this money and can dine out at Sardi’s with that ‘Puffy’ guy and I’m still paying for Swanson frozen dinners with my food stamps?" All great men had to start somewhere, and, sure, maybe their parents were rich, but if they did have to start at the bottom at some point…uhm, well, never mind.

Here are a few jobs that I’m sure will be in great demand in the future. Trust me. Most of these jobs are in the service sector, which is experiencing a tremendous increase in the economy.

Lion Tamer
Everyone has always dreamed of being one, but few know that as soon as Gunther Gable Williams kicks the bucket, there’s going to be an opening at the circus. So, if you like cats, and clowns don’t freak you out like they do me, then you’ve got yourself one hell of a job.[insert ironic comment about getting killed]

Dominatrix
Ever been called ‘whip-smart?’ While this career path is mainly for women, it is definitely a profitable business for those who know what they want. Educational barriers are limited, however you should know how to spell.

Corrections Officer
If you’re savvy enough to follow politics, then you’ll know that the incarceration of criminals is big business. Keep this in mind the next time you vote, but make sure to keep away from candidates who support the death penalty.

Professional Talk Show Guest
This job is a peach! Indulge your tastes for strange lifestyles, betray your friends and relatives, and get paid a pittance to tell America all about it.

Village Idiot
While the title might sound demeaning, this is something that you really can do!

Royal Canadian Mounted Policeperson
C’mon, admit it. You wanted to be Dudley Do-Right. Don’t lie to me. You know you did. Shut the hell up! I’ve got pictures, you little twit.

Prostitute
Aah...the soul-fulfilling pleasures of sex with depraved strangers. Now that there’s Viagra®, the market is expanding more and more each day.

Professional Wrestler
The WWF has gone public, and now is the right time to get in on this burgeoning career path. Sure it’s a bit seedy, but not many jobs let you work out aggressive tendencies and enjoy ridiculous posturing. [can indulge penchant for lard buffets] It’s quite lucrative and can lead on to bigger and better things, such as...

Career Politician
Lets face it, politics will be around as long as we hold those damn communist pinky types at bay. Sure it’s a bit seedy, but not many jobs let you work out aggressive tendencies and enjoy ridiculous posturing. It’s quite lucrative and can lead on to bigger and better things.

Professional Curmudgeon
You can’t even open your own zipper, you loser. In my day, people knew what they wanted to do with their lives. You immature pantywastes make me sick. Sure there are a lot of amateurs out there, but if you’ve got what it takes to go pro…

Sideshow Freak
What other job lets you write off tattoos and bizarre piercings? I’ll tell you, NONE! Look, if you’re a freak, or just want people to stare at you, consider this field.

Third World Dictator
Idi Amin, Papa Doc, Augusto Pinochet, it seems all the great ones have all gone. That means it’s up to you to fill that gap and hold the people of some small insignificant banana republic in your icy cold grip. It’s not as good a career since Reagan left office, not to mention the whole end of the Cold War, but your scores of thronging sycophants will help you forget all that.

Harbinger of Doom
Many people forget that the year 2000 doesn’t really officially start until next year. It’s a career gamble, but at least you will have all eternity to feel smugly secure knowing you were right.