The Church of Pharmacy

One month ago, the FDA gave its long awaited go ahead for the pharmaceutical industry to market two new drugs that will eradicate most of the fatal maladies that have plagued mankind for centuries. Companies such as Fixer, just outside Chicago, are releasing the long awaited Zentabs® and Xyenol® both of which are giving remarkable results in treating and curing heart disease, respiratory failure, Aids and some forms of mental illnesses. "We have been petitioning the FDA for years about this important breakthrough" said a PR person for Fixer. "They simply wouldn't budge, and as a result we have had to set back and watch people suffer horrible deaths as well as watch the mentally ill wander the streets of our major cities because there is simply no more room in our mental institutions. What good is a major breakthrough in medicine if we can't get it to the public?" Roberta Funtolay, spokeswoman for the FDA was quoted as saying, "We certainly can't have a repeat of the recent incident where a surgeon, suffering from a neurological disorder, apparently felt that after a successful surgery, he would sign his work by carving his initials into a patients belly. That's not just weird, it's deranged. Another surgeon with a similar Bipolar disorder quickly carved a three dimensional image of Christ out of the head of a man's penis, during a vasectomy, before assisting nurses could wrestle the scalpel from him". ("Actually it was a pretty good likeness. He had obviously been practicing on something like cucumbers at home, because he was fast, said one assisting nurse"). Ms. Funtolay, in a more serious vein, further stated, "Clearly we can't have our major surgeons creating Pez objects out of a mans "willy." With so many of these situations occuring more and more, we stepped up our intensive analysis of these drugs and determined that they were indeed not only safe, but beneficial.

Mayor Daley of Chicago is announcing his approval of Xyenol, a new drug that completely arrests respiratory failure. "There have been so many incidents of bagpipe players unable to participate in the annual Saint Patricks Parade due to respiratory problems and I for one am happy not to have to find new players at the last minute. These bagpipe players are what makes the parade so traditional and having them drop dead on the spot is bad for our tourist trade," stated Mayor Daley. Randall Spamoni, an R&D lab researcher with Fixer was quoted as saying that the drug is being heralded as a life saver. "We used the bagpipe player as an image logo as we felt it was indicative of so many cases of respiratory problems in and around the greater metropolitan area of Chicago. Many of these bagpipe players are coming directly from Ireland, where they have spent much of their lives as coal miners. To be able to come to America and fullfill their dreams of playing in the Saint Patricks Parades is a testiment to their tenacity and courage. We wanted to pay a special tribute to that." Kudos to the Pharmaceutical Industry, It may be the new religion of the millennium for millions.