A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 drinks all at once. The bartender grudgingly complies. The guy then drinks them in 10 minutes, pays his bill and leaves. He returns the next night and does the same. This pattern repeats for the next 3 weeks. Its gets to the point where the bartender sets up the drinks as the guy enters the bar. Then one night, as he enters the bar, the guys stops the bartender from setting up the drinks as usual. The bartender protests, "You're the best drinker I've seen in ten years. You walk out of here straight as an arrow every night. What happened?" The guys says, "Well, last night after my usual 10 shots, I went home and blew chunks." "That's all right, everyone gets sick occasionally," says the bartender.

"No, you don't understand, Chunks is my DOG."

A guys walks into a bar carrying a small box. After a few drinks, the bartender asks him what's inside. The guy informs the bartender that he has a dancing frog and that he will bet anyone in the place that this is so. Naturally, someone takes the bet. The frog is dutifully produced and on cue delivers a terpsichorean extravaganza. The bar is astounded. Subsequently, the guy explains that also in the box is a singing hamster. With some disbelief, the guy takes a few more bets, produces the hamster, lets it sing and collects his money. At this point, a television producer tells the guy that that's a million dollar act and offers to pay him that very sum. The guy refuses but offers to sell the singing part of the act for $250,000. The producer agrees and the deal is done. After the producer leaves the bartender comments, "You're an idiot for breaking up that act, it's worth a lot more than a million dollars.

"Don't worry" says the guy, "the FROG is a ventriloquist."

A guy is sitting in his favorite chair watching T.V. He hears a knock on the door. Upon answering it, he doesn't see anybody. Looking down he notices a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Two years later, again while watching T.V. in his favorite chair, he hears a knock on the door. Upon opening the door, the SNAIL asks,

"Hey, what was that all about?"

A farmer walks into a bar with a three-legged pig. He puts the pig on a stool and orders drinks for both of them. The bartender says, "hey, you can't bring that pig in here, this is a place where people eat and drink." The farmer patiently explains that this pig saved the life of the farmer's entire family by dragging them out of a burning building while the farmer was away. He furthers explains that he'll take his business elsewhere if the pig is refused service. Since business is slow and he's a good sport, the bartender relents. Later in the evening, after a substantial quantity of liquor is imbibed, the bartender finally gets up the nerve and asks, "You know, I've been meaning to ask how the pig lost its leg. Was it in the fire?"

"No," the farmer replies, "a pig this special, you don't eat all at once."

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STORIES PROVIDED BY TRAVEL AGENTS:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without >trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?

" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"